At the start of my life, I learned so many things. From my time as a preschooler to a college student, I have learned a lot in life. Even though there were times of problems, or even times giving up is the only option, I still continued. At the end of the day, I think of all the fun things that happened to me, the worst things that happened to me, and the things I want to keep in my memories forever. And one question actually intrigued me after everything I have been through... What is it I truly seek in life?
From childhood days in preschool to elementary, I actually had a rough start. Being bullied and teased by kids my age was the worst. Even if I did tell to my teachers or to my parents, I never wanted to tell them, because I am too scared to add problems to themselves because of me. I'm even too scared to open my mouth and reason out, because as I said earlier, I had a rough time in childhood. Though I met new friends, new ideas, and new interests, not all my childhood are that happy.
As my time as a high school student started, first year, compared to the rest of the years, was the worst. No matter how much I fight back, nothing good came, as in literally, nothing good came. Bleeding in the nose, being robbed in class, and even teased and hated by 3/4 of class, I had to endure them all; because from the start, I never learned to really fight back with action. Even from a simple surgery in the face and changes in my teeth, I am still bullied. Even if I asked my teachers, no good results came. Yes, my life as a 1st year high school student was one of the worst part of my life.
It was fun after graduating high school, because you get to reach closer to what people call "reality". At that time, we tend to keep all the fun memories before we go to different universities. We keep cellphone numbers and gifts for remembrance and even plan parties to have a fun time to the max before getting ready for college. Thinking about what our futures will be like, we gain knowledge not only from friends, but also from family and other connections. It was like saying goodbye to a lot, and welcoming what's coming to us.
College came and so many events happened, and not all are good events. Studying in one of the 4 best universities in the Philippines is a refreshing start. I met new friends, new interests, and new food (Yes, the delicious ones). I get to learn further about anime, cosplay, conventions, travelling, and others; and as a result, I learned a lot, making me feel happy-go-lucky and carefree. Though exams are the worst, I still keep having fun, until that time came... I flunked a lot, and guess the consequences, got scolded and disappointments not only from my parents, but to myself. Cried a lot, not because I failed on my minors, but because of my actions, physically and mentally. I admit, besides my phone being nabbed by horrible people from that time, I am having a hard time and never told anyone, because I'm still afraid to tell even to my parents or friends that would cause more problems and issues. I cried, due to my own actions, because I knew I just wasted my parents' money and support because of my stupid fun times. I couldn't tell them that it was online games and too much anime and cosplay are the reasons, because it would mean less interaction and conversation with friends and learning fun things from them to put in heart. I said to myself after having painful conversations with everyone else, including my parents and maids, "What have I done? Why did I do this to them? I just wasted money for something useless and this has to happen, not only to my family, but to me. Now I have to go to another school, lesser than the level of the 4 universities that gave me a FAILED mark." From that point, I wanted to kill myself with a knife, because I thought to myself, "If I ended my life, then I wouldn't be a burden to my family anymore. I don't want them to suffer because of me". But then I thought to myself once more, "Even if I did kill myself, look at yourself. You have suffered from more than 10 to 15 years of brutality from others, but you are here in college level, so why give up hope. Nothing good will come if you killed yourself, because there will be mourns from the people who loved you." I didn't kill myself, because I have to keep moving forward. Even with the problems I got, I learned to handle them, because I created them in the first place due to my selfish and dumb decisions. I learned it the hard way.
I am sure you guys are wondering where I am studying now, well I am studying at a university having my favorite interests, computer stuff; but the course I chose is the same as the first university I painful flunked. I was a bit happy about things, but the results of the past still scars me, so my traumatic experience of flunking is something I shouldn't stop thinking. The first two years were great and all, and I even had a lot of new friends ever since I transferred, and last November 2011 was the best the actual start of my biggest challenges in life. Having to meet new friends fom other country, new circles and bonds, new food, new experiences, and new memories to keep. From this point, I had to go through so many trials to keep strong bonds from family and friends, but... The worst has come, broken trusts, both friends and family, and I don't even know if I can fix something I selfishly broke. So what I did is still kept quiet, but this time, opened up for the first time in my life to others, just to fix this mess I made. The results from these things are still unknown.
Just reading this will let you realize what I am and how I feel towards not only to the people, but to myself. I have a selfish and jealous attitude towards things and situations I encounter in life, but I am kind and friendly and hate fights that results to nothing. I am scared to say what's on my mind, because of traumatic experiences in the past, so as unexpecting encounters in life like stolen phones and such. I am weak physically, but imagination and mental mind is strong, regardless of being scared to open my mouth to both family and friends. I make people worry, resulting in many losses in trusts and bonds. I'm just a dumb college student who knows nothing about happiness, or so I thought. A lover of anime and cosplay, a writer with an imagination broader than my friends and family, a basic designer of ordinary things in the computer, a card collector and duelist, that's me, and nobody else but me. I love to learn and do new things on my own. I want to fix my own problems, regardless of support. And from all these stuff about me, I wanted to be appreciated and be realized that I did this because I ain't a kid anymore. I want to support myself for once, because my parents helped me study and learn new things, the only thing I can do is learn new experiences to aid me in the future and study hard to flourish my own future. I'm scared to show a happy or sad face, since I hate being a liar, especially to my face. I'm clueless to things, so I don't realize a lot that much. And the only thing that bothers me until now is... Why did I even existed in the first place and what's my purpose here on earth?
I never always smile, because of what comes, but if I did anything that made you happy, please be happy, even though I am like this, because you can't really see it, but you can feel I am happy. I may not be able to understand you guys, or vice-versa, but even I do my best to think about others besides myself. I can't handle too many information in one conversation easily, because I overthink a lot. If you were one of the people I gave a gift, or one of the people I love to talk to, then please be happy I did that, even though I am not in the same level as you. Having a fun conversation is enough for me to feel happy vibes. The reason is I am just scared to smile or frown, if I am just lying to myself.
From Matthew 7:7, it states, "Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you." I don't ask all the time, because I want to ask only to realize and understand myself further. What I seek is already known from my previous conversations... Happiness and purpose in life. It may take long to find it, but I want to find it on my own, so I can proudly say to myself and to God, "I have finally found it, my true happiness and purpose." The happiness that people tell me are just things that just makes me happy to what makes me satisfied, but not to what I really seek. Money isn't what makes me happy, nor books, nor online games I play, nor cards, nor anything. Having a family regardless of problems and friends who are far, makes me already happy to share bonds with them, realize a lot from them, and smile with them, regardless of my face. And finally, I may be able to knock to a special door with me telling everything I have happily experienced in my whole life from the beginning until the end of time, sharing stories to Him about my friends and family, the goodness and problems, and the world and life.
To my friends, I am happy we share a lot in common, and I am happy to be of help and also share a strong bond. And to my family, not all things I do is intentional, because the only reason why I can't cooperate, is because of the scars of those past, as well as you not putting yourself in my shoe for once. I can put myself into your shoe easily, so I know how you guys would feel. I can't cry like I used to, because I hated to be weak and be miserable. My decisions are made, so if there is a problem, I fix it alone, for me to learn the harshness of the world called reality. I can't be of big help to the family, but please... bare with me, until the day you will be amazed. Would it hurt to tell you that my own happiness is disappearing because of your judgemental words and gossiping mouths? I never liked fights, I want to be who I want to be, and that is to be someone who will be appreciated and someone who will bring forth something you guys don't know. Imagine the good times we had, you think I am not happy being with you guys, family and friends? I am happy and prideful, because you guys are with me. I can't cry anymore, but I can cry from the inside, which is my conscience. What I truly seek... is a life having everyone I love in it and having my happiness be shared with everyone.